I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and my lungs are crushing beneath it. It's sheer panic mode now I can't possibly lift the two ton weight of fate off no matter what adrenaline I can muster. You knew this day was coming Mandy. Why aren't you better prepared?
I have been treading water for months now a d it was inevitable that soon enough the day would come when you are too tired to keep your head above water. I never pray but tonight I'm on my knees. I need to hear some sound that recognizes the pain in me. I can't change I know I can't but I have to accept the static. I'm always feeling so guilty for one thing or another and how will I overcome the guilt of relinquishing the fight?
My grueling work to get where I am now was never enough but when I thought I was at lowest struggling point of my life, working my ass to the bone for a bachelors degree and barely affording rent with three jobs, but I hadn't a clue what rock bottom was then. I thought I knew recently but it's becoming evident that rock bottom is just a false bottom to Pandora's box. It resembles layers of ice, through which I keep breaking through when I try to stand up. Shit.
I know I'm nothing special. But I thought if I tried hard enough all of my life I could convince myself that I was. Now I'm just tired and sore from cracking through sheet upon sheet of rock hard ice. My hands are blistered from the freezing temperatures and my knuckles are covered in bloody scabs from my failed attempts to regain my footing.
I never would have foreseen the sharp turn my life has taken. I am by no means innocent, but I must take responsibility for my own contributions to my demise. My tragic flaw has become fatal before I could stop it. And I swear I only tried to do right by everyone else. I just forgot to do right by me. Now I must suffer the consequences and I will...I'll take it like a knife to the gut and never shed a tear. Pain has always been my companion.
